It is truly fascinating to note, however heartbreaking, that those things we loose sight of in pursuit of happiness are those perhaps best equiped to make us so.
For me personally, it took two stupid little boys, a rather considerable blow to the head, & about 7 months to judge the worthiness of certain aspects of my life; & to view these aspects with the importance that was intrinsically their own.
I, as many others have done before, and so too will into the unforeseen future, gave my all to a loveless cause.
A job that drained the very life blood from my once inspired, devoted, creative, & simply alive veins.
I gave my all & a little more besides, to an organisation that not only could not care less about me as a human being, but proactively sought to destroy my physical and mental wellbeing.
It was as though I was in the eye of a tornado hell bent on my destruction; unable to see beyond to a possible end of the nightmare within.
This tornado consisted of one being content with the path chosen; one of bilious actions, vile deeds, & heartlessness. If tornados in nature spun torrents of knives into the “good’s” backs, this would be cleaner metaphor.
But Nature’s tornados would not stoop to the level of mere mortals, especially those of such singular purpose & egocentric design, unbound by moralistic intentions.
From within the eye, the destruction is seen not felt. In fact, within the eye, the damage & pain in the past is sidelined for the stagnant safety of the present. Those lost to earlier ruinations are seen from a distance as a future far removed from one’s own.
But then the eye passes.
The destruction returns & your life is hurled as a whirling dervish to the winds of blind, uncaring chance.
Except it is not up to chance.
Chance would play fair within its own restraints.
Chance would be thoughtless with its targets; choosing none, but maiming all.
Chance would not relish the pain & the hurt it held within its power to wield.
Chance simply would not care enough to destroy only one.
Chance would destroy all.
So this tornado, beyond the constraints of chance & bound only by the spiteful design of a soul lost to some ghoulish Master, destroyed me.
Splinters of my soul fragmented by the force lay scattered through every aspect of my life.
This was my punishment for a sin I did not commit; judged by a vindictive insecure child who could not be so relished in the obliteration of those that could.
So a walked away from the tornado, broken as I was, towards a grey dawn.
Uncertainty the only assurance I had to cling to in the aftermath.
And I began to rebuild myself.
Those aspects of my life that I had once sidelined for a career that had attempted to consume me, now built me whole.
My mental health.
My physical health.
They may not be as once they were, but they are mine & I cherish each with new sight.
I am not the person who I was before the storm.
I am stronger.
When next the siren sounds I shall heed the call and head to the bunkers.
For there is not dignity in fighting when the battle cannot be won but at the loss of all that one holds dear.
There is no dignity in fighting when the opponent you face will shoot arrows at your spine whilst smiling all the while.
There is no dignity in fighting when the fight is not worth the winning.
Quitting does not mean one has lost; it simply means one has chosen to value something else to a greater extent.
I choose to value self.
I may be still searching for exactly what that means, but at least I am free.